The Silent Weight I Carried: My Journey Working Abroad and Searching for Life at 37

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The Silent Weight I Carried: My Journey Working Abroad and Searching for Life at 37

This is me talking, at 37 years old. 

At 36, I made a big decision, I moved to Canada to work and start a new life. I left my career, my mother, my brother, ash & coco, and everything familiar behind, hoping to build something better, something lasting.

Now, I’m here in Canada, still fighting to find life for me.

For the past 14 years, I’ve lived a life divided between duty and distance. Working abroad, far away from my daughter, I dedicated myself to building a better future for her. I worked hard. I survived. I sacrificed. I endured.

But in the process of showing up for everyone else, I stopped showing up for myself.

To many, I’m fortunate. I have a decent job. I own a house. I have food, and security. I’m grateful for everything I’ve achieved. But even gratitude doesn’t cancel out the quiet exhaustion that lives in me. The kind that builds slowly over years of loneliness, responsibility, and constant motion.

I Built a Life, But It Wasn’t a Life for Me

I started working in Qatar from 2010 to 2024 and from 2015 to 2017, I ran my own online business full-time. It gave me a spark, something that felt like mine. Between work and that business, I stayed productive and driven. From 2018 to 2019, I managed it on and off, but when COVID hit, everything stopped. I went into survival mode again, no space to dream, no time to breathe.

There was never time for me. My life was a cycle of giving, earning, managing, and surviving. I didn’t rest. I didn’t slow down. I didn’t live. I just functioned.

Love Took a Backseat And I Paid the Price

I tried to meet people. I tried dating. But truthfully, love was never my priority. I was too focused on survival, on sending money home, on building stability. Still, I had one serious relationship from 2013 to 2015. I cared deeply, and for a time, it felt like maybe I had a partner in this journey.

But it didn’t work out.

And from the day it ended until 36, I haven’t had another serious relationship. Not because I didn’t want love, but because I didn’t have the space for it. I carry this heavy truth with me: it’s a terrible feeling to be single after all these years. Not because I need someone to complete me, but because I’ve been alone for too long. And the loneliness is started to echo.

The Guilt of Wanting More

Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way. How dare I complain when I have food, shelter, a job, a family? But I’m learning that survival is not the same as living. Providing is not the same as belonging. And gratitude does not erase pain.

Even when life looks stable on the outside, I still feel tired. Drained. Distant from who I used to be. Like I’ve spent years holding my breath and pretending I didn’t need more.

But I do.

Refilling What’s Empty

These days, there’s a voice inside me whispering: slow down. Refill. Start living again. Not for anyone else, but for you.

Maybe it’s allowing myself to be open to love again. Maybe it’s giving myself permission to rest, to feel, to want, to hope.

I’m not starting from zero, I’m starting with everything I’ve lived through.

To Anyone Who Relates

If you’re working far from home… If you’ve spent years giving, without taking a moment to receive… If you're single and lonely but still pushing through the day like you're fine, you’re not alone.

You’re allowed to feel it all: the gratitude, the grief, the hope, the weariness.

You deserve to live fully, love deeply, and come home to yourself again.

Because we weren’t made just to survive. We were made to feel alive.



If this spoke to you, you’re not alone. I share more honest stories, gentle reminders, and real talk about mental health, self-worth, and finding peace at your own pace.

Follow me for more! let’s grow together, one step at a time.

Location: Canada

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